What rockclimbing taught me

My kids wanted to go rockclimbing and I wanted to stay inline with my values and intention I set for this year. The year was 2023, and for my new year’s intention, I wanted to spend more time with my kids. I wanted to quit what I was doing when they wanted and needed connection, and I wanted to prioritize fun activities with them.

So we went.

I wasn’t against the idea. I had also had this desire to climb recently. I have been listening to my body for years and what it needed in whatever season I was in. This season apparently I wanted to climb, to build strength and to conquer! (I also have been wanting to play basketball. Which is so not like me. I haven’t play the sport since middle school, but I honored my body and bought a ball anyway-let’s see where this takes me)

I had so much confidence up until the time we went climbing. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about how it would be. Although I did know some of my limits. I am a bigger size than I have been in recent years and haven’t been building strength, so I knew where I’d start.

I realized quickly that I was about to learn so many things. Not about rockclimbing per se, but about myself and my relationship to uncertainty, trust, and feeling insecure.

I first felt insecure. There were other people there and they knew what they were doing. They would quickly discover that I did not. Second, was lack of trust. At first it was lack of trust in that rope to catch me! I figure it could catch my daughter but I wondered, at my weight? Would it be there? I quickly realized that this was not about the rope at all but about my ability to trust. To trust the world around me and to trust myself again. I realized that I had not been living life fully. I had not been putting myself out there. Risking insecurity and failure. Being seen by other people.

I tested the strength durability of the rope. I climbed up and tested it over and over again. Until I gained some confidence that I could climb higher and it would be there. How many of us experienced a world were this safety wasn’t created? I know that this was a reflection of my childhood. Quesitoning if I was going to be caught or left to fall alone.

Following my desire to climb and conquer, I started to free climb a free standing boulder. I was focused and confident climbing to the top but then fear set in. Sitting onto of the boulder. The smoot top that had no handles to hold onto. I was instantly afraid. I realized I didn’t trust myself. I had been living a different way my whole life. Trying to be something that I am not. Trying to do things like other people do them. Not building trust in my ability, in what I could do.

I sat there afraid. Looking around at all the other people. Hoping they all didn’t notice too much. Trying to build confidence in myself. I heard God say “Trust yourself again” I looked over the edge for the path down and began to climb down. I asked for help from some teen boys standing near by. If they could guide my foot. They did. It turns out I was closer than I thought. And that I could do more than I thought. I remembered that day that I could build confidence in other areas of my life too and start to trust myself again.